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        We've got WAYYYYY too much free time on our hands  v. 1.0
                  (DOOM Sound REPLACE!ment Utility)
                 By:  Three Guys With No Lives, Inc.

DISCLAIMER:  While it is possible to interpret some of the sounds in
this DOOM sound modification utility as offensive to certain races or
ethnic groups, it is in no way intended to offend anyone.  We did not
choose the sounds that we chose as racial invective, we just thought
they were funny.  That having been said, if you consider yourself
"politically correct" you may object to certain of the sounds
contained in our modification, and perhaps you should just delete
it immediately and save yourself some misplaced righteous
indignation.  On the other hand, if you are not overly sensitive, and
do indeed possess a sense of humor, you will probably shit your pants

ANCILLIARY DISCLAIMER:  We (Three Guys With No Lives, Inc.) assume no 
responsibility and/or blame for any mayhem this utility may cause to your 
hardware, software, or mental stability.  Should you encounter any "bugs" or 
problems, blame it on the guy who wrote DMAUD.EXE, not us.  We weren't 
there.  We were all at home at the time, having no lives.  If you burst your 
spleen laughing at this, you are obviously on drugs (and by the way, could 
you get us a half?).  This utility was conceived, recorded and implemented 
completely in drag, while under the influence of nutmeg-laced banana peels.  
If you wish technical support, call our Tech Support Department at 
1-800-GET-REAL.  Free software doesn't come with tech support, you cheap 


A brief explanation of the new sounds:

SOUND                   EXPLANATION

(Sound 12, lift

OW OW, OW!              Rain Man, man.
(Sound 19, player

BITCH!!When a demon, cacodemon or demon lord is injured.
(Sound 20, demon        (Take it like a man, ya whinin' bastards!)

(Sound 21, demon
 soldier injured)

NASTY BURP              When a player or monster is blown up.  A really
(Sound 22, slop)        messy sound...we like it.

SHORT BURP              Self-explanatory.
(Sound 23, item pickup)                  

KEWL!                   Self-explanatory
(Sound 24, weapon

HEY YOU!                The Brooklyn monster.
(Sound 27, demon
 soldier spotting

'SUP G?!                The homeboy monster.
(Sound 28, demon
 soldier spotting

'AY VATO!!              Part of our famous Cheech-monster suite of sounds.
(Sound 29, demon
 soldier spotting

SUMBITCH!               Redneck monster.
(Sound 30, imp                          
 spotting player)

GET YER ASS BACK        Redneck monster gets horny.
`ERE, BOY!!           
(Sound 31, imp
 spotting player)                                  

HEY SAILOR!             Effeminate monster gets frisky.
(Sound 32, demon /
 spectre spotting

HOW YA DOIN?            The Eddie Murphy Demon Lord gets solicitous.
(Sound 33, demon lord
 spotting player)

TICKLE TICKLE TICKLE    Self-explanatory.
(Sound 34, demon /
 spectre clawing at

HOOOAH!  THWACK!        Saturday afternoon Kung Fu flick.  Nuff said.  Also
(Sound 35, demon /      done by imp and Demon Lord.
 spectre hitting 

NIGGUHHHH!              This is the one that is most likely to offend, so
(Sound 36, player       it requires the most explanation.  During my (Gary)
 dying)                 stint in the Army, there was a black guy named 
Pearson in my platoon.  Pearson liked his sleep 
and deeply resented being woken up.  If you 
woke him, regardless of your race, color, creed 
or rank, he would call you "nigger" or, more
accurately, "nigguhhh."  We replaced the horrid 
scream as a player dies with this.

AWW MANG!               Another of the Cheech-monster suite.
(Sound 37, demon 
 soldier dying)                                             

SHIIIT!                 Frustration incarnate.
(Sound 38, demon 
 soldier dying)                               

ANGELS!                 From the skydiving scene in the movie "Fandango."
(Sound 39, demon 
 soldier dying)

MY HAIR!                The Travolta monster bites the big one.
(Sound 40, imp dying)                                          

WHAT??  THUMP!          The Travolta monster can't catch a break.
(Sound 41, imp dying)                            

STOP WITH THE KILLING!  Adapted from Kevin Pollack's standup act.
(Sound 42, demon /
 spectre dying)                                                  

YOU DICK!!              What if Jim Backus had played Jeff Spicoli in "Fast
(Sound 43, demon lord   Times at Ridgemont High?"

'AY VATO!!              Part of our famous Cheech-monster suite of sounds.
(Sound 44, demon        Same as sound 29.  We liked it that much.
 soldier nearby)                              

WHERE?                  Travolta monster is confused.
(Sound 45, imps 

ACH-HA!                 From Eddie Murphy's old Jewish guy in the barber
(Sound 46, demon /      shop in "Coming To America."  ("Taste the soup!")
 spectre nearby)                                                         

PUNCH                   An improved punching sound.  You wouldn't believe 
(Sound 49, player       the number of trips to the emergency room during
 punching)              the recording of this one.

HOWDEEE!                Minnie Pearl is possessed.  Hee-Haw Hell.
(Sound 52, cacodemon

WHOA!                   Joey Lawrence is possessed.  We're not kidding.
(Sound 55, evil skull

THIS SUCKS!             Butthead sleeps with the fishes, the zombie bastard!
(Sound 56, cacodemon


Terry Echiverri         BITCH!!, 'SUP G?!, TICKLE TICKLE TICKLE, NIGGUHHHH!,
                        ANGELS!, STOP WITH THE KILLING!, ACH-HA!, WHOA!

Tony Fogle              NASTY BURP, SHORT BURP, KEWL!, SHIIIT!

Gary Smith              OW OW, OW!, OW!, HEY YOU!, 'AY VATO!!, SUMBITCH!, 
                        GET YER ASS BACK `ERE, BOY!!, HEY SAILOR!,
                        HOOOAH!  THWACK!, AWW MANG!, MY HAIR!, WHAT?? THUMP!,
                        YOU DICK!, WHERE?, HOWDEEE!

Duet (Gary & Terry)     WHEEEE!

Unknown Assailant       PUNCH

Eddie Murphy            HOW YA DOIN?

Butthead, Esq.          THIS SUCKS!


That's it.  Stop reading now.                               

I mean it!

I ain't foolin'!

Look, goddamnit!

Ok, that's it!  I'm gonna open up a fresh can of whup-ass on ya!

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